What type of hug do you give?

So you just get introduced to your 58 year old Aunt who doesn't know the first thing about Judaism and she makes a move towards you. Her arms start going up for either an all out hug, or possibly a shaking of the hand. As someone stops her and explains that you are not able to touch her because it may lead to something more serious, you give her a half Chinese bow, a nod of your head and feel like a complete idiot. Now don't get me wrong this is not about some type of revolution or anything, its just a thought. I've read "the magic touch" and a few others like it and have even recommended them to people. I just think maybe the world might be a better place if maybe we could just hug a little bit more.

You can learn an awful lot about people by the way they hug! There are many different types of hugs and people are usually pretty consistent on the type of hugs they give. I will name a few of the hugs that I have encountered and give each a name and description.

The dead fish hug: The name says it all. You get ready to lay into a full fledged hug, you wrap your arms around them and get nothing in return. Their arms are usually laying down vertical to their body. The return hug is about as much as you would get from a tree. It will most likely be the last time you ever give that person a hug again, you feel a bit insulted.

the stiff neck hug: you give it your all and it feels as though you just hugged a side of a cow, fresh out of the freezer. You may get some type of hug in return but usually its very quick and very cold.

the hugaphoebic hug: you give them a hug and you get one of those tapping of the hand on your back reactions from them. They want to end this thing as quick as possible; they are not sure what to do in the meantime so they decide to have a little drum session on your back in the meantime. Sometimes they feel guys shouldn't hug guys, or just they don't like giving hugs in the first place.

the Leaning Tower of Pisa hug: you go for the hug and get stuck with their shoulders ramming into yours with the bottom half of them as far away as possible. Its usually accompanied by either a one handed tapping on the back and every once in a while, a double hand pounding to the back. Its probably a little worse than the hugaphoebic hug!

the dog licking hug: This is a rare one, but everyone has had it happen at least once, especially if you have been to the Middle East. You attempt to hug them, immediately they grab you by the shoulders and lay a kiss on each cheek alternating from cheek to cheek four to six times. It can sometimes end there, but most of the time it leads to a full hug accompanied by some serious heavy duty hand tapping to the back. In extremely rare occasions they will release you for a second and go in for a second hug.

the bear hug: you lay into a strong hug and get one right back. Usually it's pretty strong. If its too strong this could really be a hugaphoebic hug in disguise. The nervous reaction is to put all his/her strength into it!! Sometimes there is difficulty in breathing, that's not a good sign.

the blind bear hug: you lay into a strong hug and get one right back. its not too strong, it lasts for a while and usually the eyes will be closed. If done right one could want to maintain this for a while.

Just imagine that every time you met someone new, and every time you run into someone you know, you had to give them a hug. Regardless of sex!! People would be hugging all over the place. Fines would be imposed on those who refused to hug or accidentally forgot to give a hug to someone. Kind of like getting a ticket because you forgot to put on your seatbelt. There would be special schools and mandatory courses to learn how to hug properly.

There would be no jealousy by seeing loved ones being hugged by someone else because it would be understood what a hug really is. The mitzvah to love every Jew would be made so much easier! Its hard to leave a hug and not feel some type of warm feeling towards the other. Even in tough times, you get in a small fender bender with someone, the first thing that you have to do is give each other a hug, after all it is the law!

Crazy! Absurd! you say. I guess your right but I don't think anyone can tell me that it wouldn't be a much happier and warmer place to be if it were possible..