Sunday, March 26, 2006

A brief history of bar fights

Where do you think you are going to meet her, in a bar????? This question is asked by many, to the single folk out there. It's always asked with a bit of sarcasm. Of course you are not going to meet your perfect mate in a bar, right??? Well maybe let's not be so quick to judge here!!!!!

The wise always say we should look into our past to learn how we should conduct ourselves in the present and future. Let's take a look at our forefathers and the greats of our Jewish Heritage. Two of the three of our forefathers/matriarchs met at a bar, sort of speak. O.K, they didn't serve Guinness on draft, whiskey shots, and fine vodka, but they did serve the freshest drink in town, as much as you can drink.

Isaac found his wife Rivka at a well. She was judged at how she conducted herself there. She passed with flying colors!! She not only gave the whole caravan of foreigners to drink, but also all their camels!! That's a lot of trips to the bar. I don't know if you ever saw a camel drink water, well me neither, but I hear they drink an awful lot.

Jacob also found his soul mate at a well. There are all different types of competitions that take place in bars. I am sure you've seen arm wrestling in bars. I am sure you have probably seen a bar fight or two. What happened on this particular day takes the cake though. There was this huge stone that covered up the well, it takes a group of people to even budge it. Jacob walks up to this thing, takes a deep breath and rolls this thing right off. End of story, Jacob waters Rachel's flock and she immediately falls for him.

Moses met his wife Zipporah also at a watering hole. There were a whole bunch of Shepard's that apparently drank a little too much that day and were getting a little out of hand. The daughters of the priest of Median just wanted to get some water for themselves and their flocks, these bullies wouldn't let them get anywhere near the well. Moses had finally seen enough and knew it was time to take action. He stood up and took out all of the Shepard's single handedly, he drove them all away. He than watered all of her flocks and won her heart immediately.

These are but a few of the instances of love and well's in our vast history. Time magazine in 2005 came out with an article on professions of woman from around the world. Don't get angry with me, I didn't publish this thing. The number one profession of woman in the world is 'water carrying.'

Now, there has to be something to all this right?? Should I slip into my disco shoes and head out to the nearest watering hole? Should I work out the best lines I can think of "hey, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this??" I guess times have changed a bit. The watering holes just aren't the same as they used to be.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Alfred, is this what you had in mind???

It must have been a terrible year in 1994. Was this the best they could come up with? How did they arrive at such a decision? I imagine the procedure went something like this:

Welcome everyone, tonight is a very important night where we gather to appoint the winner of the Noble peace prize. Are there any suggestions? A few murmurs are heard throughout the crowd... "How about Mother Teresa??" Crowd gives a sigh of approval. Sorry folks we already gave her one, the rules state we can't give anyone two!! "Gandhi!" crowd cheers!! Come on folks he's been dead for quite some time, the rules state we can't award any dead people. "E.T.!!" crowd gives off a deep huummmmmm! Alrighty we're getting out of hand here people, we can't give it to E.T.!!!!

The suggestions continue. "Rosa Parks!" "Pope John Paul II" "Joan Biaz!" The crowd is out of control, they are proud of their suggestions! I think we are getting closer now, you're on the right track. Than one boldly stands up and silents the crowd "Yasser Arafat!" The crowd bolts out in laughter. The mediator gives a motion of silence and lets him speak regarding his suggestion.

"Alrighty now hear me out people. Yasser and his killing machines have murdered 10% less innocent woman and children in the year 1994 as opposed to 1993." Crowd gives off a deep hummmm. "Although he tells his own people he wants to wipe Israel off the map, he did mention to us that he has peaceful intentions." Crowd starts to clap!! "Although he did keep 90 percent of the money given to the Palestinian people for himself, he did give some to his people" the crowd starts to clap and cheer!! "There are still two people left in the world that could possibly be bigger scum bags than him! Sadam Hussein and Bin Laden" the crowd now on their feet out of control. "He also has lots of medals on the coat he wears, and a really cool turban" the crowd starts jumping all over each other in excitement!! The mediator barely able to speak due to his own excitement, so I think we have a winner here, we don't even need to vote!!!

A unanimous decision on Yasser Arafat being awarded the coveted Noble Peace prize. I'm sure Alfred Noble would have been proud!!